background

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Confession time! Its a big one.



Before I start, I have to be honest (that's probably a good thing as I start a confession), I wrote this over a week ago as I sat frustrated with my struggles. After I wrote it, I did not publish it, as I found immediate relief from just putting my struggles into words. I thought to myself, "maybe I am not supposed to share this, but what would the Lord want me to do?"
So, I did what any curious person would do...I googled it! I ran across a blog that had every one of my questions answered.
I want to say now that if you struggle with a weakness and you are afraid to share, read this blog, it will inspire you and strengthen you.
(go to day 35)
www.steph-lifespurpose.blogspot.com

I realized that God is using my weakness to grow me, and to witness to others. My hope is that by sharing, and being vulnerable (which I am really bad at being) that the Lord will use me to bless someone else, as well as learn about myself. I will now depend more on HIM to help me grow.
"At some point in your life, you must decide whether you want to impress people or influence people. You can impress people from a distance, but you must get close to influence them, and when you do that, they will be able to see your flaws. That's okay. The most essential quality for leadership is not perfection, but credibility. People must be able to trust you or they won't follow you. How do you build credibility? No by pretending to be perfect, but by being honest."

Ok, this is a big one for me. This is a confession about something

I have been struggling with for a long time...too long.
But first, a little background about me for those who dont know:
I am an only child
I grew up in a single parent home
I was a latch-key kid for most of my schooling life
I started work at 16 and was working full time at 17, supporting my mom who had been injured at work and was no longer able to make an income
We had to leave my childhood home when I was 18 and moved to San Marcos
I worked to help support my mom until I was 20 and then moved out with Nathan, we bought our own home.
We lived together before we got married
I moved out 6 months before we got married to make things right with the Lord
My mom struggles with perscription medication addiction and depression
I suffered from depression for a year after Camryn was born and took medication for it
I love my kids and my husband more than the world!
I homeschool and I love it! God is good for leading me here

I suffer from a phobia: I live in constant fear that my kids will get sick.

Wow. That was rough.

So, this is me. I live in fear. I constantly worry.

It is not worry that my kids are sick, I can deal with a runny nose here and there and some other "things", it is the anxiety that comes before, that they will get sick. It is the anxiety that another one of my kids will catch it. It is the worry that I will get it and wonder how I will take care of the kids if I am sick.

This issue stops me from doing things I would normally do.
It effects whether or not I go to church.
It effects where we go.
It effects what we eat, drink, and do on a daily basis.

I love to be out and about with my kids, but when this fear is elevated, it keeps me home, locked up like a prisioner. What causes this irrational fear to elevate? I dont know.

The reason I have decided to share this is because I figured the first step to recovery was admitting I had a problem.
I have kept this a deep dark secret for a long time. Sure, many of you see me take extra steps to keep my kids clean and germ free...hand sanitizer here and there, excessive washing, etc. Sure you can say I am a germ-a-phobe..arent most of us? But, it goes deeper than that.

It festers inside of me.

The minute someone has snot, I worry.

The minute someone complains of a tummy ache, I worry.

And it is not just worry. It has friends...Mrs. lack-of-compassion and Mr. Anger.

I find myself worrying so much that I snap at the kids, bombard them with questioning, constantly try to reassure myself that they are ok, its just gas, its just teething, etc.
If they are sick, I bombard myself with reasons why...replay things in my head, talk them outloud:

"Well they may have had bad fruit"

"Well she did put her mouth on the monkey bars"...

My mind doesnt stop.

Need I go on :)

The only thing I ask through this post is your support. Please dont alter who you are around me, please dont keep you and your kids away from us, please dont judge me for being vulnerable. I know that this is partially an issue of control. I have always had or been in control of what my kids do, eat, see, who they play with, what they play with, on and on. I cant control illness...but I shouldnt try.
I want my life to be normal and in no way do I want special treatment. I just want to heal. I want to let go of this fear, anxiety, frustration, anger. I want to be free. I want to have peace.

I received these verses from a very supportive person and want to share:

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you. Do not fear; I will help you. (Isaiah 41:13)



The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid? (Paslm 27:1)



Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. (John 14:27)


Please pray for me. I will also pray for you. Feel free to share your confessions here as well, we all have something to heal from.